Inadequate

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Not good enough, insufficient, weak, and not pretty enough were some of the words I use to use to describe me. All I ever saw were my inadequacies. I never thought I was or would be enough. My inadequate mindset blinded me. I didn’t know my worth so I fell into relationships that were not healthy for me. I was abused verbally, mental, and physically. I would somehow find away to allow my inadequacies to blame myself for the abuse. I stayed silent about my abuse and went through it alone. No one knew what I was going through. My mental and physical wounds where hidden by my silliness and clothing. After years of being in and out of these toxic and unhealthy relationships I had had enough. I told myself I would never be abused again but that was a lie.

 I went from being abused to used. In my next relationships I allowed myself to be used physically and financially. If they needed money, needed to use my car, watch their kids while they were out, or sex I made myself available. After they got what they wanted they were done with me, leaving me emotionally worn out and adding onto the list of my inadequate feelings.

One day I had to take a look at myself and ask myself why. Then I asked God why. Then it was clear. I realized that I was abusing myself. I never changed my inadequate mindset. I still found myself as the weak, not pretty or good enough girl I was in my past relationships. Because my mindset didn’t change I found myself always being in something or doing something that just wasn’t good for me.

So I had to make a change. In order for change to happen I needed to find out who I was and whose I was. The first step was finding a healthy relationship to be in and that was with God. I had to pour out and let him pour into me. I had to let God pour his Grace into me. Once I found out His Grace was enough I could feel the change. I felt sufficient. I felt bold. I felt encourage. I felt free.

Today I am a confident Woman of God that feels adequate. I’m a business owner and a blogger. Now that I know who I am and whose I am, I’m able to identify when those old inadequate feelings try to creep back in my mind. Its normally when I try something new in my life or when someone critiques me in a harsh way and when that happens I meditate on this scripture: 2 Corinthians 12:9 APM;  but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My loving-kindness and My mercy are more than enough–always available–regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

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